The Furio Report

Hey Did You Hear ..

2006-02-20T05:13:00.000-05:00

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnfiiiiiiiiiiiiiidels !
What a week my friends? Turd world dictators with nuclear bombs threading to wipe countries off the map! Hitler in a head scarf.
North Korea threatening South Korea with nuclear bombs! China threatening Taiwan! Israel threatening an ass kicking!
Then we all know about the thousands dead from mud slides in the Philippines. Thousands dead in Allah cartoon unrest.
Oh . . . and did you hear about this? Dick Cheney was involved in a hunting accident last weekend.
You didn't hear about the womanizing drunken Vice Presidents rifle attack on his best friend?
From all the press coverage, you would think he was getting blow jobs in the oval office.
Hey Dick, we didn't mind the wire taps, but we have to draw the line on you shooting people!
The press is saying that he didn't have the proper $7.00 quail stamp on his hunting license.
Why the hell does the Vice President need a quail stamp? The only thing he shot that day was an old buzzard.
I feel sorry for Cheney. I think he should chose his hunting companions more carefully, my friends.
Hey Dick, why not invite the slack salesman, Senator ShoooooooMa? Could I give you Hillary's phone number?
For all of you global warming scientists, it snowed in the east bay last night. How did my Cadillac cause that? Jackass!
The leg crossers on the alphabet channels didn't tell you that last week the economy has grown, orders for durable goods are up, inflation is down, the stock market is up, oil prices are down, and unemployment is at the lowest rate in the nation's history. I guess they forgot about that? Their very busy!
Did you hear that the Vice President was involved in a hunting accident last weekend?
That's all.

Merrrry Christmas

2005-12-21T06:33:00.000-05:00

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wire taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaped iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinfidels !

What is it about Bobby Darin?

Somewhere . . . Beyond the sea! I Love it!
Anywhere but here my friends.

It was a different time ladies and gentlemen. When I listen to music like this, it's like other people's feelings toward Christmas music!
Don't get me wrong, I like the Christmas season, but Christmas music . . . full of lies and deceptions!

Tis the season to be jolly? The season of increased suicide rates!
Fa~La~La~La . . .
Don we now our gay apparel.

Ok, Ok, for most cities this one is a big lie as well my friends!

It all started when we were kids! Year after year I would ask Santa for a Red Rider Ranger BB Rifle . . .

And year after year he would ignore my letters and give me socks! What the hell is up with that Santa?

Are you insane? Have you gone senile? Maybe you just can't F~cking read?

After a visit with Santa, the only thing a kid could believe in was that the Jackass they just talked to in the
red suite is a vindictive, twisted bastard elf, bent on destroying little kid's dreams!

Am I wrong?

That's all - E. Jay Kay

When Hollywood Squares was funny

2005-12-19T07:20:00.000-05:00

When Hollywood Squares was funny

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions. Enjoy!

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet

Q: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A: Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

No Words Necessary: (look carefully)

2005-10-13T18:13:00.000-04:00

THIS IS WHY HELP NEVER GOT TO THE GULF COAST IN TIME..

Daily Briefing

2005-10-01T12:49:00.000-04:00

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits, stunned at this unusual display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "Approximately how many is a
brazillion?"

It Works...

2005-09-29T20:30:00.000-04:00

You can be a real a jerk ...

2005-09-29T08:21:00.000-04:00

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.

Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.

Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.

The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it. "Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this."

He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

A Savage Message..by EJK

2005-09-24T15:57:00.000-04:00

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnfedels!
Are we all through blaming W for the hurricane?
I guess if John Kerry would have been down there in his swift boat, jumping off the side saving poor inner city children from drowning, we'd all be better off!

Far be it for me to be an apologist for this administration, but let me tell you my friends, before all of this happened . . . The Democrat Governor of Louisiana thought that FEMA was a bone in her leg!

The liberalized Big Easy is down the drain!
Shouldn't this place be a utopia by now?

I don't care what Nazi Pelosi says!

The biggest tragedy in all of this, Sean Penn is back from Iraq with a shotgun!

Boiled frog! Boiled frog! Boiled frog! In one short generation Boiled frogs!

How much of this crap can one man take! By now your probably all asking . . .
is he on his cold medication again today? Did he have a nightmare about a sexual
experience with the junior senator from the state of New York?

Did you ever hear the story about how to boil a frog?

No, I'm not talking about the chinamans place I have lunch at from time to time, It's more like Aesop's fables!
Put a frog in boiling water, and he'll jump right out!
Put a frog in tepid water, and slowly increase the heat, and Walla! Boiled frog!

I guess we are talking about that Chinamans place I go to lunch from time to time!

Liberalism and that Chinamans place are boiling our frogs my friends!

Heather has two Mommies in the schools!

Daddy's a fudge packer . . .
but don't you talk about God in the schools!

Boiled frog!

You can un boil the frog if you talk about The Reverend Martin Luther King!

You see my friends, if it's the right religion your talking about, you could give the kids the day off from school.

Ask not what your country could do for you, ask what you can do for your country

Yea right!
Let's all hear it for the Frog boilers!

This Bud's for you!

Then in Washington we have a guy who can't tell the difference between
a submarine and an Oldsmobile questioning Roberts on women's rights!

The only rights he bestows on women, is the right to have a blue dot covering your face during a rape trial involving one or more of his relatives!

That's all !!

What does Vladdie Putin do after he's done...The Bob Grant of Russia ??

2005-09-24T14:44:00.000-04:00

Let's be heard! I'm Vladimir Putin, and this is the Vlad Putin Show!
Hey, Mikheil Saakashvili (leader of Georgia) . . . слушать! . . . слабоумный ..... And he is!

What's on your mind this . . . afternoon?

Hu?

I just wanted to say hi, to my comrades , Igor'
and his brother Nikolai LaKakus
down at the Rio обедающий(Diner), on Red Square & State Road # 80 in Ekaterinburg. Hey look ..I think it's true..Yes it is true..
Ekaterinburg was named wall to wall Vladimir Putin Country,
on . . . lets see Oh! Here it is! On October 23 1958.
On the steps of the People's Workers Cooperative Building, on Red Square,
with Ekaterinburg Mayor Grigoriy Svyatoslav, at 3:26 PM, it was a normally cloudy haze filled day . . . Oh Yes.

Hey Pal ..I don't take calls on vodka prices, we all know there too high!
With that said, let's go right to the phones!

Yuriy, Your on the Vlad Putin Show,

What's on your mind this . . . afternoon?

Hu?

Bob-boey Bob-boey Bob-boey!
Get off my phone you мурашки (creep)! I'll come down there and punch your teeth right
down your ugly throat!

There sick, and getting sicker comrades!

Timofei, your on the Vlad Putin Show! What's on your mind this . . . afternoon?

Hu?

How ya doing Vlad?
How am I doing! How am I doing! I got to get outa here!

What?
Borya Evgeniy with the news?
That's just great!

Where does it say, The Borya Evgeniy Show? Hu?
I'll try to be brief Vlad!
It's not your fault Borya, your just doing your job, it's Dmitriy the program director I want to talk to!

Did you hear me Dmitriy? We need to discuss this 4 hours pal...

I want to renegotiate my contract!

Havana is beautiful this time of year Dmitriy! Straight ahead, on the news breaker line . . . Written by EJK modified by Furio

Iman and The cardinal ..By EJK

2005-09-18T12:55:00.000-04:00

And with the I - Man, with devout comment on news of the day, Please welcome, from the Archdiocese of New York, Cardinal . . . ugh ?
It doesn't mater what your name is! Good morning Cardinal what's yer name
GOOD MORNING AND GOD BLESS!
So I, I see that in a show of solidarity with hurricane survivors,
you too haven't taken a bath in six days, be Jesus!

Well?
Speaking of all of that, what do you say to God, you know, when something
icky like this happens to all of these people?
Our Father, who art in heaven hallowed be thy aim! Right on target, be Jesus!
Guess all of them voodoo dolls didn't help them, Imus in the 'morn?
All the Black Magic crystal balls, were less actuate then my hairy white balls!
You can take everyone of them French Cajun, Creole vampire loving craps and . . .

Cardinal!
And now, bow yer heads for a moment of prayer.
Bow yer heads ya schmucks!
For the delivery of Chief justice's sole ~

LORD, HEAR OUR PRAYER!

I memory of all of his lofty goals ~

LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER!
And praying that he'd take Ruth Ginsburg with him be Jesus!

LORD HEAR OUR . .
Cardinal your starting to sound like Pat Robertson!
Which doesn't belong and why?
Oh good! I like this part!

Which doesn't belong and why?

Which doesn't belong, and why?

A) The Mayor of New Orleans ?
The Mayor of New Orleans!
B) The FEMA Chief, Michael Brown?
The FEMA Chief, Michael Brown!

C) The listeners of the Imus in the Morn program?

Which doesn't belong and why?

Well clearly, it's the listeners to my program!
Wrong! Ya Two legged bag of medical infectious waste ya!
While all three have been subjected to things that really blow . . .
FEMA Chief Michael Brown doesn't belong because . . . Unlike the other two, someone had the wisdom to dump his sorry ass!

A Talk With Elvis on Michael Jackson....

2005-09-03T18:06:00.000-04:00

Well it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go!
Hey Man!
Hey Elvis!
King of Rock & Roll here Hoss! Gonna to have to forgive my melancholy mood, I don't feel well today.
Well, that's my line Elvis!
Never thought I would see the day Hoss! Today the Supreme Court ruled to take medicine away from the chronically ill.
I think they ware talking about marijuana there Elvis.
It's medicine man! It makes these sick people feel good!
Well the law says . . .
The law is an ass! An overwhelming majority of voters in ten states want this,
and some dope in a black robe thinks you'd be better off taking morphine?
Well . . .
I think Clarence Thomas just wants us all on Oxy Cotton, so his buddy Rushs' medical records look normal to the investigators.
I wrote a little song about it, it goes something like this . . . .
Well, you can knock me down, and call me Biff .
Slander my name and cause a big riff.
Don't you . . . Don't you F~ck with my shift!
You can do anything but lay off my F~cking shift.
You can burn my weed, clog my bong,
Drink my liquor From your old ladies' thong,
Do anything that you want to do, but uh-uh,
Honey, lay off of my buds. Don't you, don't you, take my big bag of buds.
You can do anything but lay off of my big bag "O" Buds . . . uh uh uh
Why, you don't smoke marijuana , do you Elvis?
I tried it once, but I didn't exhale!
I think you meant, "I didn't inhale"!
You try it your way, I'll try it my way, Hoss!
So did you hear any news out of Santa Barbara about that pedophile's case? Not Guilty ..right!
I hate that little bastard! Soiled my little girl for life! Not that she wasn't all
F~cked up before she met him, but who would want her now? After the whole world watching him stick his tongue down her throat, I'd be afraid I'd come
out of that thing with some Wendy's chili deal. Except instead of finding the tip
of someone's finger, you'd end up with a tip of a nose. . . . If ya know what I'm say'en Hoss! Wrote a little song about it, kinda to git outa here on man! Goes something like . .
The warden threw a party in the county jail.
You know for a black guy he was mighty pail
The band was jumpin' and the joint began to swing.
You should've heard Michael Jackson sing.
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
wants to cut off Michael Jackson's c0ck!
Thank Ya, thank ya verrrry mush!

Who has Time ??

2005-09-03T17:12:00.000-04:00

If you want to read about the kid that chopped off his nose and sleeps in bleach,
don't bother! He is in Dubai making new friends. What is the hanky panky anyway? A dance, something sexual
Someone out there thinks he's pretty clever, you know who you are!
Some jackass, probably from one of those blue states, thinks he's funny!
Did you ever see someone put a flaming bag of dog s~it on someone's front stoop
and ring the door bell? Well, that's exactly what happened to me today!
Oh, not literally, but figuratively! Some red diaper doper baby put my name on a list for "Toilet Paper of the Month Club"! I think they call it TIME magazine ! http://www.time.com/time/
What a left wing liberal rag! Now I remember why I haven't read it in years!
They've got the rocks to call this a news magazine? It's the periodical branch of the DNC! And the satanic sheople society eat it up!
Did you see the cover of the June 20th Toilet, I mean TIME?
I know you have one there on your desk, follow along if you like!
The cover of this bird cage liner, says INSIDE THE WIRE AT GITMO!
with a sub headline The U.S. believes he's the 20th hijacker
Who do you think he was, an ice cream salesmen? Not to be confused with our very own local Lodi Taliban! Let's move into the rag, I don't like seeing my name and address on this piece of literary sludge! To page 5 if you will.
An ad for a red car! The color of the car's body is black. The car's manufacturer is a communist! Page 6, keep up now! Were going quick!
Interview with a communist writer! Page 7, Liberals that know how to write bash
the military. Page 11 Forest , Forest Gump asking for money for a liberal program
for the poooooooooooooooooooooor! Using your moooooooooooooooooooooooney!
Page 13, now this one's chock full. Ass kissing Dean piece on the left of the page
On the right, Bush bashing on global warming! Justice Dept. Bashing on 9/11,
Bush bashing on the war, Govanator bashing on budget cutting, followed by Catholic Church bashing. Oh but look at the light hearted quote from Al Gore . . .
on receiving an award, Please don't recount this vote! F~ck You Al !
Right to page 21, Bush bashing cartoon, Bush bashing jokes. Page 25, stubborn
Bush is an idiot! Page 26, the gulag at Gitmo. Page 34, environmentalists twatal.
Page 49, another red car ad. This one's silver! Page 50, class envy CEO Bashing! Page 56, more environmentalists twaddle. 59 , The French Open! Page 60, foreign
models from Commi countries! Page 64, the most liberal assholes they could get,
George Carlin, Andy Dick, and he is, Whoopie Goldstein and Penn and Teller!
We know that one of them are stupid, the other hasn't confirmed that yet.
Page 67, oh this is refreshing, Blair Bashing! 68 Stupid books that aren't . . .
Liberalism is a Mental Disorder! Page 72, I love this one! Talking about kid's camps, they have a picture of I'm a mess in the morning, with heading . . . .
Campers: Critically ill children can romp at the radio cowboy's ranch!
Best reason to pack: Mom and dad won't let you hang out at Neverland with
Michael anymore! Did you say David Boise? And on the back cover, another red
car, this ones red! That's all!